Writer, cook, reader, friend, thinker of shiny thoughts.
peaceontheplanet replied to your post “hey all! so i hit a frankly stupid follower benchmark this week, and…”Can you tell me another story? I’m bored out of my mind working for insurance and could use an lol. Hope you’re having an otherwise good day with your stupid follower count :)
sure, peaceontheplanet. i mean i can’t promise it’s gonna be as funny as the internet apparently found the porn thing but like, HERE’S A STORY ABOUT THE TIME I GOT MUGGED AT KNIFEPOINT (BUT BY A GENTLEMAN).
so when i was studying in argentina, it was like a thursday, and they were having what’s called a “feria” which is kind a holiday?? in argentina sometimes they decide to CANCEL EVERYTHING, ostensibly to celebrate things like books and students but i suspect really so that nobody has to go to work.
- argentina gets me.
ANYWAY, i decided that day to go the gym! this was new and different for me, a person who considers “intense chewing” to be exercise.
BIKINI BOD: ON TRACK.
so i went to the gym. it went the way that trips to the gym usually do for 5’8” girls with severe pigeon toes and a total lack of all motivation.
as i’m walking home, past the college of dentistry, i was fussing with a lighter that i had in my pocket because i was also, at that time, dealing with my fear of intimacy by smoking. so this guy comes up to me and is like, “hey, can i borrow a light?”
here’s a list of things i should have said:
- "sorry, no."
- "ahhhhhh you know what, i would, but i’m super busy right now??? i actually have a dentist’s appointment, as evidenced by this College of Dentistry that i’m standing outside??"
- "NO HABLO ESPAÑOL."
- "don’t you know that smoking gives you cancer? let’s commit to quitting, right now, to each other. bring it in. go team. together we can."
here’s what i did say:
- "claro que sí, amigo."
he’s trying to light his cigarette, and his hands are shaking a little? so he can’t. and i’m like, dude, calm down, it’s okay. what is this, your first cigarette or something? lol.
after a few seconds, he kind of goes, “fuck it,” and drops the lighter into his pocket. and i’m like, “excuse me??? that’s my lighter?? also you didn’t even manage to light your cigarette???” but before i can vocalize these protests, he gets rEALLY close to me and pulls out a knife. then he goes, “you have three seconds.”
what i should have said:
- "okay. you can have whatever you want."
- "here’s my wallet."
- "wow, what a very sharp-looking knife, in what way can i avoid being stabbed with it today??"
what i actually said:
- "haha, uhhhhh, until what?"
UNTIL WHAT. “UNTIL WHAT, MR. SIR WITH THE KNIFE? LIKE, WHAT’S ON THE MENU HERE????”
BUT HE DIDN’T SAY DEATH!!! it turns out that the gentleman attempting to rob me was like, maybe a rookie? it’s possible that he had never robbed anybody at knife-point, before. this as an experience that we were going through together for the first time.
because what he said was: “….i have a knife.”
i said, “yes. i can see that. it’s very nice.”
- IN MY DEFENSE: IF YOU ARE GOING TO ROB SOMEONE, THE ONUS IS ON YOU TO GIVE CLEAR DIRECTIONS.
- "i have a knife"??? come on, buddy. be better prepared. come with a to-do list. practice in a mirror.
- "then i’m going to pull out the knife and say: give me _____."
- clear, concise, quick. that should be your motto, buddy. it is not MY JOB, as the ROBBEE, to read your goddamn mind. I AM NOT DRIVING THIS SHIP. IF YOU ALSO AREN’T DRIVING IT, WE ARE IN TITANIC-LEVEL TROUBLE.
at this point, clearly realizing that he had gotten in tOO DEEP with this dumbass tourist who didn’t even know how to get robbed properly, he blurted out, “uhhhhh, do you have a phone?”
i did have a phone! i had a broken claro go-phone that i had purchased upon entering the country which had 2 argentine pesos worth of text messages left in it and a inbox message from a boy name juan that said, “you like me a LOT.”
- i had responded, “actually, i just like you the normal amount.”
- i felt bad about that when i realized that he was trying to say, “i like YOU a lot,” but feelings verbs in spanish are mostly reflexive.
- SORRY JUAN.
i handed the man with the knife my phone. he looked at it. looked back up at me. “r u srs?” his face seemed to say. “this is what you’re giving me right now? a janky ass claro go-phone that is CLEARLY MISSING THE NUMBER 7 KEY????”
look, the shoddy workmanship is a source of frustration to you and me BOTH, okay. we’re BOTH victims here.
but the beautiful thing about this story is that HE TOOK IT! he looked at me, looked down at his knife, sighed, and put the phone in his pocket. THEN HE REACHED BACK INTO HIS POCKET AND RETURNED MY LIGHTER TO ME.
we looked at each other.
- here’s the thing that no one tells you about daylight robbery: there’s like. an afterbeat.
- there is a moment in between “robbery-in-progress” and “going home to your homestay and explaining that you can’t answer phone calls anymore” where you and your robber have to look at one another and figure out HOW TO WALK AWAY.
- listen, friends: in robberies, as everywhere, goodbyes are never easy.
"thank you," he said.
"you’re welcome," i answered.
he hesitated. “have a good day,” he said.
"………….okay," i answered. "you too. enjoy the phone."
- ENJOY THE PHONE?????
- IT WAS BROKEN. IT WAS CLEARLY BROKEN. WE BOTH KNEW THAT NOTHING BUT HEARTACHE WAS GOING TO COME FROM THAT PHONE.
i think about this a lot, and i wonder if he ever thinks about me. i wonder if he ever thinks, “that goddamn asshole knew i was going to have to press the 7 key four hundred times before it registered anything.”
- i’m sorry, man with the knife. i panicked. in the heat of the moment, we all say things we don’t mean.
Some how that is the most you robbery ever.
Looks like Tobirama’s sass transcended time, and incarnated itself in little Kakashi
even more of a reason to believe they are related *coughs*
Tobirama had water chakra, too.
…Was Sakumo Tobirama’s unacknowledged love child?
I think with the generational gaps Sakumo would have to be his grandchild. There’s not a big age difference between Hashirama and Tobirama. Tsunade is Hashirama’s granddaughter and about the right age to have a kid Kakashi’s age. But Kakashi and Tobirama are totally related. Because reasons.
I was going to argue that if Sakumo was Tobirama’s unacknowledged love child, he could totally still be the child of Tobirama’s old age, but then I remembered Tobirama died fairly young, though we don’t know exactly when. So: you may have a point.
You hire some college kids to help box up the remnants of his life. Fifty-one years was a good, long run, but it was too long—your families are either dead or scattered. You couldn’t adopt, so it’s just you now, you and the spaces he used to occupy.
(You were twenty-two. He was twenty-five. It was Vietnam. You never tell the story about the first time you held hands. Remembering that day always gave him nightmares.)
You donate his clothes. The best things are six feet under anyway, and the ones that are left don’t smell like him anymore.
I got tagged by nezumiko, and it’s the start of a holiday weekend, so heck yes, let’s play!
(Rules: Put your iPod/iTunes on shuffle and write down the first ten songs it plays (no skipping)
then tag ten people to do the same! I don’t believe in forcing people to play along with memes, but if you want to: audreymgonzalez, gwynnemeeks, idiosyncreant, calanthe, altiloquenta, noblezou, make-a-guess, rurounigochan, anothermormonwoman.
I am entirely bemused. For one thing, I’d forgotten I had that Vivaldi collection at all. For another, I was really getting worried that I wouldn’t hit any kpop at all until I got 2PM, which was pretty much the best song I could have hit on, as they’re my favorite group and A.D.T.O.Y. is one of my favorite songs of theirs.
I quite like Joshua Radin, so I don’t mind hitting two of his songs, but…what about House of Heroes? Vienna Teng? The Killers? Peter Paul & Mary? BIGBANG?
Maybe I should try this experiment more often. I’m certainly guilty of slipping into musical ruts.
Where is the horse? Where the young warrior? Where now the gift-giver?
Where are the feast-seats? Where all the hall-joys?
Alas for the bright cup! Alas byrnied warrior!
Alas the lord’s glory! How this time hastens,
grows dark under night-helm, as it were not!
Stands now behind the dear warband
a wondrous high wall, varied with snake-shapes,
warriors forsaken by might of the ash-spears,
corpse-hungry weapons—famous that fate—
and this stone-cliff storms dash on;
snowstorm, attacking, binds all the ground,
tumult of winter, when the dark one comes,
night-shadow blackens, sends from the north
rough hailstorm in anger toward men.
All is the earth-realm laden with hardship,
fate of creation turns world under heaven.
Here goldhoard passes, here friendship passes,
here mankind passes, here kinsman passes:
all does this earth-frame turn worthless!
So said the one wise in mind, at secret conclaves sat him apart.
Good, he who keeps faith, nor too quickly his grief
from his breast makes known, except he, noble, knows how beforehand to do cure with courage.
The Wanderer (translated from the Old English)